3 Pronged Approach to a Kindgarten Telephone Call.

This is my Gown UP 3 point plan.. and maybe stolen quotes from kindergarten.

…With a…”secret telephone game” twist of mid life cynicism..

1) Never ever put your eggs in one basket. Unless you literally need to, because you only have one basket for the eggs and in that case..you NEED TO GET ANOTHER BASKET.

2) Don’t expect life to meet your expectations . You have to adjust accordingly. Unless someone puts mayo on your sandwich and you SPECIFICALLY asked them NOT TO PUT MAYO ON YOUR SANDWICH.

Then, AND only then can you…sigh and passive aggressively wipe the mayo of the sandwich, in front of the waitress/or and say “no no it’s fine. Sigh sigh sigh.sighsigh…I’ll survive ”

3) Comparison is the thief of joy (eleanor roosevelt I think..too lazy to Googleses.)

Seriously. STOP COMPARING YOIR LIFE TO WHAT YOU SEE ON SOCIAL MEDIA or MEDIA. Or in some life Changers podinarwebcast thingy.

It’s staged. Cropped.. photo shopped.edit.. You will NEVER know the truth..ever. (unless TMZ catches up with them and then it’s skeletons falling over each other trying to run out of that closet faster than someone who recently left the White House to publish a new “Tell-all”)

A picture is no longer worth any words because they are all LIES. (Ok I’m being a little on the nose with cynicism but I’m making a thinkpiece POINT!!! And to Thinkpiece Point is to be On The Nose)

In all SERIOUS NESS. How many times have you taken a beautiful picture of your family/loved ones/friends and then 5 seconds later it all goes to hell in a handbasket.**


Hand-baskets and eggs with a sprinkling of hellish moments and you have to figure out how to deal with it ON YOUR TERMS.

Not how a “lifesprunged” lifer of living life told you to do it at the seminar you paid 2k to attend.

Not how your best friend told you to do it.

Not how your mom or dad or aunt or uncle or any family member told you.

And certainly not from a celebrity/influencer who claims to have it all figured out for you in whatver it is they are selling.

Maybe there is fantastic advice sprinkled in there with a tidbits of sensationalized life events.

Maybe there is wisdom you CAN’T get from anywhere else.

But at the end of the day. YOU are in the driver seat. It’s your car, your life ..and each choice you make is your decision.

If you make a mistake own it and move forward from growth.

If you succeeded, share it wisely and truthfully.

And if you are depressed by the constant barrage of seemingly endless life fixers selling you better life in the world. .Turn. That. Off. And look INWARD.

That’s my hall mark moment or the day.

** some of the “best” pictures of me or in my phone may have been at my lowest moments or in times or great pain.

My point is, when you “see” what you see on the interwebs or tele, you have to remember that you are no longer getting the full picture by choice because that doesn’t produce profit.

This is not necessarily good or evil or wrong or right.. It is simply a fact.

Therefore, next time you see a person and say to yourself. . “gosh I wish my body looked like that” I get it. I’ve said it. I also know I don’t really mean it. Maybe I think it now for a fleeting 5 seconds, but then I stop.

And I remember alll the work I’ve done on my busy brain. I take a deep breath. I rub my belly and gaze at my gracious teenagers who I’ve asked 7890 times to unload the dishes. “Omg ARE YOU GUYS EVEN LISTENING TO ME?? WHY ARE THE DISHES STILL IN THE DISHWASHER AND WHY IS THEIR A CHOCOLATE MILK CONTAINER IN THE BATHROOM BEHIND THE QTIPS AND IF I HEAR ONE MORE COMPLAINT ABOUT THE LAGGY CANADIAN INTERNET….”

Wait what was I talking about.. oh yes gratitude for my “mummy tummy ” of 2 teens and gratitude that I’m no longer obsessed with “fixing ” about myself because it doesnt meet some impossible standard set by someone other than Myself.!

My point is..

stop. Thinking.


should. Be ..different

..and start celebrating what you have right now.

Cancel Culture

I was lucky enough to grow up in a time where my mistakes didn’t go viral.

We live in a time that is stifling creativity because anytime, anyone makes a mistake they get “cancelled.”

Publically or privately.

That’s some bullshit.

Should we check racism, bigotry and hate speech ?

hell yes.

SHOULD we check someone who made an inappropriate comment (s) or joked offensively?

YES but should we also ‘cancel’ them because they are not ________ enough for our liking?

There are a MILLION examples of “it.”

If you’re living and breathing in this modern world.. ..you know exactly what I’m talking about..

Cancel culture doesn’t seem to discriminate either. It happens to anyone who makes an opinion out loud and the majority opposition deems the person unworthy based on their opinion.

Or.. God forbid, they were human and said/tweeted something really stupid…in the past ..that they regret bc they GREW UP.

(seriously?? I said dumb stuff And you know I’m not terminally unique in my abilities to say dumb stuff yes… I’m talking to anyone reading this!!!!)

How are we supposed to grow, learn change and CREATE?,.. if we are fearful of getting canceled for offending anyone??

On a smaller scale, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen someone vitriocally comment on someone elses’ innocous post.

An example:

-Picture of pretty girl doing yoga with her puppy.’

Commenter :

‘You spoiled-thin-privileged puppy-breeding monster !!”

You know I’m not too far off with hyperbole in my example either..

It’s as though the world told this commenter…

….. “because I suffered through,, x,y and z and this person seems to be thriving on social media…. I’m going to make sure the world knows they had more lucky breaks in their life, than I did..”


I see it all. The. Time.

Yes. White Privilege exists. Thin privilege exists. Pretty Privilege exists. Affluent Privilege exists. If you are reading this on an electronic device. You benefited from some kind of privilege at some point.

I grew up in abusive foster care and an abusive/chaotic home but I also benefited from white privilege, a fiery metabolism and middle class privilege. Even though my childhood sucked, I grew up more privileged than most.

I recognize it. I don’t abuse it and I do my best to pay it forward as best I as I am able.

Yes, systemic racism and hatred of another based on sexual orientation .. exists..

It exists based on a lack of diversity and oppression and an unjust legal system that favors white, heterosexual people.

I absolutely comprehend and agree that more should be done by the government/people in power…to combat THAT which is stated above.

I’m not talking about “that.” I’m talking about people using all of the unjustly said above to cancel /comment/attack another human being..based on their rage for “that” said above.

There is a difference bewteen leveling the playing field and attacking people , simply because they exist through some token privileges. .another finds unworthy or mistaken.

I’m talking about trolls or the mob-outrage-take-down of another human being for being a human being and making a MISTAKE.

Does one negate or begat the other ?


Do we need to scream at each other because someones’ life seems too privileged and corruption exists in our political and justice system?


I grew up in “cancel culture” in my own home.. My existence was tested and invalidated and wrong..

I constantly had to justify my own existence in my own home.

If I wasn’t suffering through “Something”.. I was “lucky/privileged and spoiled.” And reminded of that daily by one guardian who hated herself and the world.

So I understand that feeling like the odds were stacked against me from birth. And yes it’s made me angry. But I also know we can change as a “cancel culture” because I have.

I’ve gone from throwing phones at my husband in insane fights and breaking plates and actual cupboards and computers in anger. I’ve stopped writing scathing reviews about people, places and things out of unhealed outrage and pain..

I started to focusing on healing that pain and what I can control versus what I have zero control over, which is how people live their lives, or mistakes they made in the past and have made ammends for outloud or by growing up and changing..

If people don’t see eye to eye, its become a vitriolic war of the words because of unhealed pain and trauma..

On-line, in the media, and anywhere else we can veto someone’s opinion, simply with the tip tap tap of a keyboard and we feel better for a nanosecond.

“If you don’t support the President you’re a communist.”

“If you support the President you’re a hateful racist and bigot.”

“If you stay silent on my activist cause, you’re contributing to the violence”

The list of outrage and anger and cancel culture will go on and on ..if we don’t start checking on our own selves and motives.

I’m speaking as A US citizen living on Canadian soil..Cancel culture happens in Canada too..its just doesn’t seem to be as vitriolic or explosive.

I do see it on line and I follow both Canadian and US based accounts to widen my perspective.

My point being:

I’ve seen it..and I’ve seen it a lot more as of late.

I’ve seen people cancel each other out privately/personally and publically because one belief doesn’t perfectly align up with another.

We are better than this.

IM not speaking on any one incident . I’m speaking to all of you that are angry about your past or ‘the’ past , so we want to take it out on what we see ‘right’ iin front of us.

Because we are in pain.

Yes. Damn right you/we have a right to be angry! But what possible positive outcome do you want by trolling , fighting or unnecessarily canceling another human being?

We CAN CHOOSE TO channel that anger into something ELSE.

We think that by canceling each other out, we will heal our pain.

All we are doing is closing ourselves in on ourselves and existing in an empty void of our own beliefs and individuality.

We can fight for what is right and true and beloved without crucifying people that don’t look , think, write, speak or act exactly like us.

We can fight for what is right without attacking each other on line with silly memes comparing the military’s plight to children/families seeking asylum from the massacres in their own country.

Or attacking something/someone that is different from us??

We all want to he heard, loved, fed, nurtured , fulfilled and a chance to earn a honest living. We also all want a chance to be able to show our lives on social media (as all 4 billion plus people do every day) without being “canceled” because we said something tone deaf or looked too damn gorgeous.

So I quote English Parliment Guy said , John Bercow;

ORDER ORDER ORDER AND BE A GOOD BOY (and girl and/or however you identify)

Pick your battles.

Choose your words.

Live and let Live daily, check what’s wrong and hateful but stop trying to cancel out that which makes you look inward.

Instead, look inward and cancel out your own hatred of another for not being just like you.


I used to be scared to say “No” to people because it made me feel negative, unhelpful, uncaring, ungrateful, selfish. (as defined by my childhood.)

I lost money, countless hours and most importantly – the healthy mental/emotional space in my rave-party of a brain.

I lost friends.

I lost my purpose.

I lost myself.

I signed up to “run my own business,” because I desperately wanted to contribute financially in my family.

I gave money to charitable causes.

I became deeply involved in codependent writing groups, where I spent hours a day sharing other peoples’ work in hopes, it would boost my “virtual optimization.”

I signed up for service work out of obligation to my own sobriety and sobriety of my peers. I was told my service to others would help me get out of my over-powering sense of self.

I was told that forgiveness and gratitude would break my steely gripped chains of pain and overbearing grief-ridden anxiety.

Are these all true statements?

Yes and No!

Are these messages that are intrinsically positive and beneficial? Yes and Conversely, they can be used to tap into the guilt vault of shame and low self worth..intentionally and unintentionally.

If you are a trauma survivor had difficulty developing your emotional sense of well-being as a child, it’s almost engrained to say “Yes”, to activities that may negatively affect your mental health.

All under the guise of DESPERATE hope/activities/memberships/ products…….will improve it.

Being told how to “fix” yourself from saying “yes” to others.. can be treacherous waters if we are doing it for the “wrong” reasons. (guilt. validation. Self-serving ego. Importance. Grief. )

Being told to put someone elses’ ________ in front of your ______, can be a message that gets lost in the message.

How does this happen? A seemingly positive intention from one turns into a loss for another ? …..Because we said “Yes” when we really needed to say “No.”

Something so incredible complex as “servant leadership” or “helping humanity” or “livelihood ” has a very simple answer.

Say “No” and mean it.

Why we say “Yes” to harmful activities:

You might be trying you reinvent and re-ignite yourself.

When people use vulnerability and insecurity to get us to say “YES!”, we see a glimpse of hope into healing our pain. Instead, it grows exponentially sideways ….and subconsciously.

You are masking the pain with your ego and need to feel validated in your lifes’ pursuits.

In some cases, powerful and controlling people seek out the vulnerable. You will encounter these types of people in the most unexpected of places.

Churhes. Schools. Fellowship Gatherings. And yes, even family.

Ask yourself.. “Am I doing this for validation, approval, obligation or because I feel completely lost, anxious and maybe depressed?”

If you answer YES, to any of these questions..then say “No” to whatever it is being asked of you..even if ________( insert whatever vulnerable genome is overriding the “NO” in your swirly codependent brain genome sequence !!)

The “warning” statements/places , I made above, are NOT all evil or inherently manipulative. It is with caution, people (like myself) who are naturally empathetic and have experienced life altering tragedies, need to wear an extra layer of emotional gear that allows us to say “No!.”

Healthy food, exercise and supportive friends, fellowship/churches and saying YES..are instrumental in our journey and our lives.

They are not a replacement for healing from trauma and mental illness.

They are not a replacement for healthy solitude.

They are not a replacement for self-care.

Why am I so passionate about a word that society deems as negative and selfish?

Because The “say YES!” ads in my feed(s) , are blowing up!!:

– “Buy my program and you’ll never,ever, ever evah have any finanical worries EVAH again ”

– “Sign up for my wellness coaching plan and you will be free from emotional-fat and good ole’ fashioned Crisco-fat.”

– “Are you a stay at home parent? Well, surely you’re bored as hell, so why not spread that fresh hell to your friends by selling them eye- lashes and nutritional shakes?” (I did it, so relax on feeling persecuted)

“Is your life a LIVING NIGHTMARE, don’t worry. (Insert a variety of emogees) I’ve got a webinar for that. Sign up for my life-coaching series and then you’ll never hear from me again. EVER. In fact, you’ll have a nervous breakdown trying to cancel the autopay for this program.”

Obviously. I exaggerated advertising slogans, just a tad, Thad.

Its not all bad. But it is absolutely overwhelming. Especially with 24/7 information at our fingertips.

MY all time fave “ad that’s not an ad but really is an ad.”. .celebrities without makeup, telling us not to be depressed by “it”.. selling themselves (and businesses) through their back-handed humility:

…” because I’m a celebrity, NOT wearing makeup and LOOK AT MY PORES. I KNOW RIGHT? I DON’T HAVE ANY!!..Don’t be depressed by my Poreless-flawless make-up free-face. It’s genetics and wildly unattainable. Please don’t get depressed about it mm-kay? I’m 5’9″ and my size 2 “genes” won’t allow me to gain muscle weight okay? So pray for MY struggle and stay gratuitously positive …you ungrateful plebeians!!”

I digress.. in hyperbole again.

A pore-less celebrity can’t ” fix these feelings of ______ “, with tummy tea.

No one can fix that, except you. (And for me ..my Faith in something bigger than myself)..And dogs… Which is God spelled backwards..but spiritual talk is not my wheelhouse and people get really angsty about “it.”

External factors such as, weight loss, material things, a new significant other, your gorgeous kids, or a gallon of rosė or ice cream cannot heal pain

“So what Elle-jaying, are you saying?? We should be a cynical naysayer to protect our feelings ???”


We should partake in all/any of the above, as it helps builds our self-esteem , love for life and ourselves! .. However, if the feeling goes from a temporarily euphoric high to a thunderously crashing low..it might be time to reassess what we are doing to heal.

So my message is clear as a poreless celebrity screaming AT you from her Malibu beach house to NOT BE DEPRESSED !!

You should absolutely drink the tea, and say YES to all the wonderous opportunities in life.

Unless.. you are running to the bathroom/washroom/powder room, from that damn tea. Then. say. “NO”. to that. Tea.


I spent the last hour moving all my old blog posts from my old blog to the trash.  I can safely say that I found everything I wrote truly abhorrent.  I am now questioning why I proceeded to start a brand new blog page.  Ah, yes, these first three sentences are a clear indication that I have a writers brain.

The question is, what will I do with this brain.  Will I continue to make excuses? Will I continue to tell myself it’s not even worth writing because it will never turn into something? What exactly is this something? Is it money? fulfillment? Likes? Comments? Validation?  What is this something I seem to crave so desperately from my writing.  Ah,  yes, I have a writers brain.

The fact that I was able to set this blog site up, and close the other one down, without technical incident is a TRIUMPH.

Or clicking the mouse till it freezes up everything while the )7300 error code pops up, is a TRIUMPH.

I cannot make this up.  While I was typing this  ‘Welcome message”, my computer completely blacked out and I received a glorious pop-up that stated, “I needed to restart my computer to install updates.”